I can’t be productive every second of the day. This is a list for those moments when your inspiration is procrastination.
5. Solo pizza-party
Double-cheese, olive oil, thick crust, well-done. My pizza man knows me by name. When you’ve answered the door in your pajamas with dirty hair up in a bun to pay for what is very obviously a pizza for you and only you, you develop an intimacy with your pizza man. With every tip is an unspoken “thank you” for not openly judging what will undoubtedly be a regret in a few hours’ time. If you’re partaking in a one-on-one pizza experience, you need to know that no matter how slowly or deliberately you consume this monstrosity, the end result is a debilitating self-esteem spiral, and you’re going to need several hours to recover. Take those hours. Get some cheesy bread, too.
4. Creeping the Facebook profiles of people I don’t even like
Forty minutes later, I look up from my computer screen and realize that my face has been in a perma-scowl for the better part of an hour. A negative creep-spiral is deceptively easy to fall into: simply started by the poorly punctuated status of someone who dated someone who you once dated, followed by a casual click-through to the page of someone who has changed their last name to their middle name and for the life of you, you cannot remember who the heck they are. Before too long you’ve accidentally found out way too much about an acquaintance, and the next time you see them you’ll have to keep a mental check list of the things you legitimately know about them, and the weird creepy things you discovered on Facebook. Better keep those lists straight! These are modern day problems, and they are real.
3. Watching Catfish re-runs
“I wonder if this internet boyfriend/girlfriend will be real?!” I ask myself, never. I have seen this episode. What am I doing? No, really though. Help me.
2. Arranging items so that I can Instagram them
I just truthfully got up from my desk, placed my coffee next to my computer, tilted my notebook by 20 degrees and took a picture. Then I Instagrammed said photo with a caption that reads, “Perfect afternoon.” …IS IT????
1. Planning to go to the gym
This is a wonderful waste of time: it is what I would call the most positive way to achieve nothing. Blocking out a chunk of time in my schedule over the next few days to “work out” is often as far as I ever get when it comes to taking care of myself physically. I pull out my calendar, look at my free time, spend ten to twenty minutes planning just exactly what it is I’ll be doing, and then decide that I’ve done enough to justify going out for dinner and cocktails.
Listen, we don’t have to be proud of the way we spend every second of the day. Sometimes you just want to watch Teen Mom 2 in the bath and drink gin on some random (or every) Tuesday afternoon. There is nothing wrong with punctuating a lazy day with a pulled pork burrito, or putting on make-up and taking selfies even though from the waist down you’re wearing cheeto stained sweatpants and you have no plans to leave the house for the next 24 hours.
Take some time for yourself to unwind! If it feels good, do it. Don’t let the things you should be doing today prevent you from putting them off until tomorrow (that’s the saying, right?).